Friday, March 9, 2012

A Running Diary of A Night at the Movies

A Running Diary of A Night at the Movies

At midnight I went to go catch a movie at the local multiplex. Hoping to get into a comedy my first question to the beautiful frump at the register was whether they were showing Project X or Wanderlust. She said no. They preview movies at midnight but will not play anything else. That makes no sense business wise but whatever. I scanned the opening stuff. A horror movie with the Olsen Twins little sister. Nope. John Carter from Mars in 3D. Nope. Friends with Kids. Sure, that one. As she was ringing up my ticket I saw A Thousand Words, the new Eddie Murphy movie.
Do you need a receipt. Nope. Don't know why I said that. Handed my ticket to the ticket taker guy. Theater eight, third door on your left, no, theater two second door on your left, sorry.
Dude, I'm already gone. Passing the concession stand showed me how far we've come. Frothy topped cappuccinos and a refrigerated deli. I walked into Friends With Kids wondering will anyone pay attention if I change my mind about what movie I want to see? Opened the door to the theater and immediately wished I'd gone to John Carter. What was I thinking? I made it to the part of the entryway where the audience can't see you but you can see the screen.
A woman, some combination of director, writer and actor if memory serves, says, "Everything will be all right." I can just grab a set of 3D glasses out of the bucket on the way in. A titlecard reads '4 years later'. I walk out.
So I walk out and immediately walk into A Thousand Words. Eddie Murphy. I don't know. Can't explain it. It just happened. Immediately, before I even see the screen, I'm thinking again about whether I can snatch some 3D goggles from the bin on the way into John Carter. This movie isn't going to make me laugh. It's PG-13 Eddie Murphy. Seven curse words, minimal innuendo, PC jokes.
So I sat there. With two other people in the theater. And listened to cliche jokes like Eddie telling the valet guy he doesn't have time to read his script because he's busy being a big time agent. Then he asks him to shine his rims and not park under the tree where the birds poop. And there were 'We made Tyler on this table!' jokes.
Then a tree burst into the backyard. 'Boom, it's a tree here' says the gardner.
'Hey, that's that tree that bit me.' Eddie retorts. 'Tell me that you're pulling my pecker on this one'
Then he remembers Sinja, the guru who's class he interrupted earlier in the movie while he was trying to sign him to his agency. Eddie had pretended during the meditation to see the Blue Pearl and that was an action that now seemed to have a consequence.
'I'm gonna go to the ashram and get his ass!'
'So this is where the tree went' says the guru as he walks out onto Eddie's back patio. 'It almost seems like every time I say something' Eddie realizes that leaves fall from the tree when he speaks. So obviously he sings 'I want my baby back baby back baby back ribs' before realizing how serious the situation is. 'Shit' 'What're you trying to say Sinja' 'Are you telling me you think whatever happens to this tree could happen to me?' 'I could die!' Eddie is yelling now. In shock. Eddie walks inside and gets an axe. He takes an axe to the tree, 'Timber!' Jesus christ. Chopping at the tree knocks Eddie over into some nearby bushes.
'Be glad you don't own a chainsaw.' says Sinja.
Then Eddie starts spitting leaves out of his mouth at the bar, but it's just a dream.
The tree drops two leaves when he flips it off.
There is a blind guy crossing the street bit. The coffee cups Eddie was carrying during the bit were obviously empty. 'Thanks son, white people sure is nice.'
Squirrels crawling up the tree cause him to be tickled as he's struggling to tell the story of how he signed Sinja to some Frenchmen.
Eddie slaps his assistant. Thank god.
He sweats when the gardeners hose hits the tree in the backyard.
'Let's talk' says the wife.
But Eddie can't.
Eddie goes to the wrong hotel room, there is a guy with a belly dressed in an open seas sailors jacket and a cap, 'talk dirty, talk dirty to me!'
At the big client lunch Eddie gets high because the gardeners spray the tree with pesticide. Because he is high Eddie makes fun of the French waitress. And he loves the crunchy bread sticks. Rubs them on people's faces. But his boss doesn't like crunchy bread sticks, 'No thank you jack, I'm on Adkins.'
Eddie gets fired.
There's a pictionary scene.
Eddie tries to do good things to make the tree grow leaves because obviously if a tree sprouts in your backyard suddenly and the leaves fall when you talk that means you die when the leaves run out.
Eddie's coughing when he meets the guru at a diner for pies because he is dying.
'It's quite amazing how many thoughtless words one can speak'
'In that quiet you will hear the truth'
'You tell her you love her, like meaningless leaves falling off a dying tree.'
'Make peace, show them that you love them.'
Eddie gets drunk. Pees on the tree with the bottle. Cheers. Smashes bottle. Hurts head.
'I'm ending it and I'm ending it funky.' Eddie puts on a record.
Eddie cries at the tree. He waters it's roots. Thinks thoughts to it. Wonders if the tree can hear his thoughts.
At this point he's got duct tape on his mouth.
There's a butterfly.
Eddie starts to really use his words.
He buys a record for the coffee guy, buys the valet guys script and compliments him.
Eddie eats a sundae.
Walks the pier.
Ends up next to some old jews who still want to have sex with each other.
Then there is a montage.
Back to sick mom, whose nurse is the African guy from Barbershop. Eddie's now playing his moms games. She's losing her memory and doesn't recognize him. Eddie doesn't correct her.
'You can't talk? You're throat? Rest that Raymond.' says Eddie's mom, Denzel's mom from American Gangster.
'He'd be much happier if he'd let it all go.' Is she talking about Eddie or his dad. I don't know. Deep.
Eddie says I forgive you to his dads grave site as his last words. Then Eddie appears to have a heart attack while a little black boy runs through a field. Is this little Eddie? Is this Eddie's son? I don't know. Deep.
Eddie's assistant watches the tree come back to life. Full of leaves. New buds have sprouted. Eddie's assistant gets a call. Eddie survived the heart attack at his father's grave.
Eddie buys his wife the house she wants. She acts surprised since they were on the verge of cataclysmic divorce only days earlier as a result of her husband thinking he was linked to a tree so he was saving his words and couldn't constantly reassure her and tell her he loved her and wanted to be with her forever in a way that made her believe he meant it.
And Eddie brought the tree along to the new house.
I walked out and walked in to John Carter. Reached down into the bucket and grabbed a pair of 3D glasses. Sat down and looked up at the beginning of the climactic battle. 3D is cool, I don't care, the movie was exciting and made me stop thinking for a few seconds. They weren't really pushing it but it still looked cool. The view is shitty from a lot of seats which is a problem but the movie was fun. John Carter rode a little dragonfly vehicle and fought side by side with some aliens with elephant husks. Kind of like Avatar only I haven't seen it before.
Peanut Butter Honey

1 comment:

Jesus said...

Sounds like u shoulda gona to c the full house twin's sister. Probly woulda be funnier than eddie murphy