Tuesday, February 21, 2012
It's hard to say what a defect is. My vision is bad. Something like 60/20, maybe worse. What that means is that if you are talking to me I can't see your facial expression. I can only see your silhouette in a blur mixed in with the world around you. You've become discernible because I have been using contacts and glasses long enough that I know what the shapes are supposed to look like so I am able to piece things together through the colored blur. The first time anyone realized I couldn't see anything was when a color blind teacher with a proclivity for her own sex noticed that I could not read the chalkboard from my seat at the back of the class. After an eye exam with my mothers trusted optometrist I was diagnosed with shit vision and given contact lenses and glasses to allow me to see the world the way the 20/20 types do. At first I remember having a weird mixture of pride and shame in my glasses and contacts. They were expensive, a sort of style status symbol when I wore the 140 dollar calvin klien frames. On the other hand I would think about the fact that people didn't think glasses were cool. They made people look smart. Looking smart wasn't cool in fifth grade. I went with contacts and spent most of my life from that point on with my vision corrected by either my calvin klien frames or my soft contact lenses that I would leave on long past the doctors recommendations about usage. At some point, can't be sure exactly when, a thought began to cross my mind. In my life I had run into a million problems from being able to see so many details. I agonized over facial expressions and body language. While driving I always worried where the landmarks and street signs I needed to find were. In movies and magazines I would study the details of frames and photos looking for perfection. Anything less disappointed me. One day I was thinking about these issues in some minut way when it occurred to me that I potentially had overlooked a very real possibility. Things don't really happen for a reason but they do happen for a reason. If you examine them and break them down you can see how they work or conversely why they don't work. It is one of the special things about being a complex living organism. We are able to experience things and then distinguish individual characteristics about those moments that allow us to learn something. To grow. In this process of growth we evolve and reach a ripe age before deteriorating and fading away. This is the nature of all things as we know them in the universe. Maybe I couldn't see for a reason. Without others facial expressions, without all the details clouding my mind and forcing my judgement, there was something left beneath. What that was I didn't know and I still don't. But I like to think about the fact that maybe I can't see the things I can't see for a reason. And maybe that reason is part of a greater puzzle that makes up who I am as a person. I don't see because I'm not supposed to. It balances out other parts of who I am. If I allow myself to acknowledge that while still having advances at my fingertips then I can understand more about myself and become a more positive energy. When I don't affect my vision I look around and see a world that makes me feel a bit more calm. No longer compelled to pick up the piece of paper or clean the table top or want to buy that thing I see because I do not see it. I can't tell what it is outside of ideas I have from past experiences with clear detailed vision.Peanut Butter Honey
There are choices that we make. To ignore things. To plow through. To quit. To fight back. To not try. To not listen. To spend time talking about things not staying busy doing them. We miss things because of this. Because we have to make these choices and these choices that we make have consequences. There are reactions and repercussions to ourselves and the things in our path. When you choose to go for something your movement alone ripples the space you pass through. These ripples really do touch the things around you. Not really in a flap of a butterflies wings sort of way but in a much more delicate and invisible way. Each person around you is affected by your propulsion. The ground by your steps. The objects you interact with. The same is true for not moving at all. The space you fill while you don't move creates the same level of affect on the things around you as going for it does. There are just very different reactions. You're not saving anyone either way. Just affecting things. Trying to be apart of the winning side in the never-ending 51/49 battle.
I lose these battles all the time for the dumbest fucking reasons imaginable. Overthinking or over analyzing. Whatever you want to call it. I decide reasons and think things out to an extent that can never really be satisfied in real life. That's not the problem though. The problem is conditional love. That's what most people have to give. There are conditions to their love. And you had better watch the fuck out for them. No matter what you've proved you are one slip up away from losing those conditional fuckers. That's why the point has been reached to declare fuck you to the conditionals. At the same time that creates a call to actually be unconditional. A tall order. There will be consequences but at least I will wake up in the morning laughing about what a fool I am instead of waking up in the morning disappointed in all the fools. Join them. Who wants to beat anyone.